Concern yourself more with accepting responsibility than with assigning blame. — Ralph Marston
In my contemporary romance, SMITTEN, I tackle what most authors won’t, cheating. Spoiler Alert: Particularly the notion that it doesn’t have to be the end of the relationship that most would expect.
Cheating is an evil that I have experienced from both ends. Being cheated on and cheating on someone.
It should be stated upfront that forgiving cheating has to start with the cheater and how much effort they put into the reconciliation. An excellent video on this subject was produced by Joyce Meyers, but it has since disappeared into the internet void. To be added later whenever I come across it again. On making marriages work after cheating.
It’s definitely a complex subject to touch on. But I’ll focus on the dynamic of SMITTEN. The novel attempts to reveal that neglect is the true death of a marriage. And simply talking it out isn’t the answer because most cheaters have discussed the relationship deficiency before it dissolves into arguments and unresolved hurts.
It’s like having Cancer, but dying of an infection because your immune system is compromised and you can’t fight it off. Cheating is the infection, but neglect is Cancer. For any marriage and relationship to survive this form of cheating everyone needs to accept responsibility. Responsibility is the lighthouse that leads you and you’re partner back together. It means the cheater has to acknowledge that the act was not only hurtful but damaging to the foundation they’re trying to establish with their partner. Responsibility is admitting that there was a much larger issue at play of neglect that has been infecting your partner a long time that was being ignored or disbelieved.
People with responsibility at the core of there reconciliation have time on there side. Responsibility empowers them to fight for there relationship, not months but years after it looks like there’s no hope. If you have responsibility cheating can never destroy what God has put together.
Can someone who has no responsibility in the degradation of the marriage or relationship still survive the actual cheating? Of course. Responsibility is still at the core of the reconciliation. It’s not an apology, where said cheater replies, I messed up by cheating on you with x, y, z. Please forgive me I’ve changed. And then the partner does.
The cheater or both partners have to start by taking the big leap and going to counseling to figure out what was at the root of the cheating. And this is hard for people who have been cheated on to accept, but the act of cheating is never about the sex. Even for men.
Then from there its just about consistency. The cheater has to court there partner all over again. Focusing on the emotional well being of the other person, and doing it for however long the other person needs to feel safe again. A separation during this period shouldn’t be seen as a defeat. Proving that they can still be that person the partner needs is the goal. Which may mean taking the brunt of there justified anger. As well as opening up a level of transparency in the relationship that you may not have had before, but is essential to a good marriage.
This is where knowing your partners Love Language comes into play. Another good one that may lead to a bit of introspection is The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis.
Cheating, neglect, none of it needs to be the death of a relationship or marriage if you truly want it to work. Responsibility taken in and shown to the other partner in small consistent steps can be a lighthouse for the lost. And the best part of it all? You would have proven that you truly are soul mates. The moment you refuse to let cheating take your marriage down. Instead, your partnership has grown stronger through your Faith, Communication and renewed Self-Respect and Love for each other.
“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” – Epicurus
Here are a few resources on cheating you might find helpful?
15 Powerful Steps to Surviving Infidelity
Rethinking Infidelity – Deeper Understanding of the Subject
Help My Marriage – The Joyce Meyer Resource
There is some info in 15 Powerful and Coping that I wanted to clarify. They both suggest using friends and family as support to varying degrees. If your intention is to save this marriage then do not tell your family. Only tell your friends. As Coping suggests family members hold grudges that have lasting effects long after you have reached the reconciliation stage. Friends have a tendency to do the same, but at least your husband or wife can avoid going bowling with them. You cant avoid the angry glares across the Thanksgiving table. And if you’re in a state of limbo where you’re not sure where the relationship will end up. Hold off on bringing your family into the loop and vent with the girlfriends or guys instead. Or at least only tell the more reasonable people in your family. Who only want the best for you, and won’t decide what that is.
Protecting the cheater is the last thing you want to do. But what you’re really saving, is yourself from all the strife this will cause at family events down the road. Having to constantly defend your choice to forgive him/her. Explain what they’ve been doing to win your trust back. The family playing judge and jury and almost always hanging the partner. Reminding you of the event that you had gotten past every chance they get. And doing it out of love. Just be careful. You don’t want to create another problem. Compound problems are the worse.
*None of this applies to people who do not want to change there behavior.
