Classism in Romance

Advice Column Continued*

*Original Post on Facebook. This is just the Romance Column Extension

The most popular romance novels on Amazon are Billionaire Romances where princes and CEO’s of mega-conglomerate companies fall in love with their secretaries and the waitress at the local diner. In my personal library, is the girl who falls in love with three, Their Virgin Captive. I personally, don’t write in this genre style, but I do believe in unlikely partnerships. As evidence in my Work In Progress (WIP’S) like Mine, Yours, Ours and Nothing Alien. But how much do we really believe in classism in romance? If a person is perceived to be above our station, do we ignore them? And miss out on our chance at love. Or do we rush full stop into, what the heck, this could be my fairytale?

A woman attempts to answer this question through a post of a conversation she had with a gentleman on this very subject. Although my answer is written in general terms for all women. It should be mentioned that this post was aimed at black women who typically have been subjected to less than they deserve in relationships. However, it’s not the answer for any race of woman. I’ll start with the statement.

STATEMENT:

I was dating a Mexican man once. I always ask men I date about their first love so I asked him. He told me that his first love was a girl in Mexico and he had been crazy about her and they were so close! But he could not marry her because she came from a wealthy family and he did not have the money to give her that kind of life. I immediately started saying “But if you loved each other, that shouldn’t matter! Love is all that’s important!” He cut me off – “Don’t get offended” he said. “But only you Black Women think like that….and it’s not good!” “If I love her, why would I want to offer her a lesser life than she was raised with? What kind of man would I be if I took a woman I loved from a life where she wanted for nothing and gave her a life where she had to do without? I was raised to believe that a man does not do that to a woman he loves. If I REALLY love her, I want her to have the BEST life. I want her to have everything she has now and even MORE if that’s possible. Even if that means she is not with me.” I actually WAS offended but only because I realized that Rico was right……….and I suddenly realized how foolish my way of thinking was. #BlackWomenDivestNow

RESPONSE:

This mans answer just sounds like classism found its way back into dating. However, there’s no proof in all the centuries that it was practiced that it resulted in happy marriages. At least for the Anglo-Saxon culture. This man was not qualified for his first love not because of the money in his pocket, but because of his mindset. Because he didn’t see himself worthy of her or believe that he had the ability to make himself so. He decided in that moment that he would always be a trucker (for example) and would never live beyond that. He wasn’t worthy because he didn’t have that kingdom mindset. To avoid this with any man. When you’re on that 1st, 2nd and 3rd date ask him about his dreams and where he see’s himself in 5 years.

It’s not meant to be an interview, but help you to come to a realization. Can you help him achieve his dreams? Can he help you achieve yours? As you get to know him and his state of mind. Which only comes with time as the relationship deepens. Does he balance you out? And vice versa. Does he actually have the skills and drive to achieve his dream? Some introspection is needed here as well. Do you have the skills and drive? Six months to a year in, you should be asking what retirement looks like for the both of you?

That’s all you need. A mind to interpret the data.

Which only comes with time, wisdom and prayer. Not the greatest answer, because its the truth. A blanket statement that you’re not good enough for the CEO is just classism and not your ticket to the one you love. The truth is the woman you are at 20, is not the woman you will be at 30 and 40 and so on. Finding someone to grow with has to be more than just whats in his portfolio. Another nugget of truth is the odds that you will have the same job at 20 that you do at 40 is greatly diminished than from decades before. So the education and skills that you develop over time will also grow. If you’re doing it right hopefully you end up in a better position than when you were younger.

My next question to the gentleman would then be, what if you’re dating a nurse in school to be a doctor. The nurse is in your financial bracket, but if she becomes a doctor is she instantly undateable? Or will she find herself in an argument with you about the man in the relationship needing to make more money?

The statement that he wasn’t in his first love’s bracket assumes that the woman he’s with now is. That she doesn’t have a future and is stuck in a static position.

What does it say that I’m dating you, and when you see me, you see someone worthy of dating a truck driver, but not a CEO. That implies that I’m somehow not intelligent enough or cultured. What if all I am is a waitress with dreams of opening my own restaurant. Will you come along with me or have you already decided that you’ll never be more than a truck driver? Or that my dreams are somehow too big for yours.

His statement is not a Romance Tip for the New Generation of Struggling Women.

Its a peek into his weak mindset with a touch of chauvinism. Let’s address the posters demographic for a bit. The post was aimed at black women who’ve been known to date men with no jobs or dead-end jobs. Black men who fail to live up to there full potential is a systemic problem in our community. Leaving a lot of heartbroken single mothers working overtime. However, the answer to my problem and this statement is not to reinsert classism. Its to get better at interpreting the data. Noticing when a man or women is just at the beginning of a much longer journey. Or when they’re not even in the car. That will determine worth and if your love for each other is true. With the added understanding that they might not be the same person at the end of their journey and you also have to love who they turn into.

How do I interpret the data?

Time, Wisdom and Prayer and not in that order. But to give you something to sink your teeth into, follow the list below. Your beau might only show one or all of these attributes listed below. Please take all indecision to God in prayer. If you feel like you’re working harder and not smarter in your relationship. Then go with that and get out. In marriage, you will be equally yoked to your husband in personal life and career. That doesn’t mean that you will like the same things, but that you see the same end goal in mind.

You hear family, friends, and coworkers refer to him as the hardest worker they know.
He has a savings account and always tries to put money up even if its only $5.
You broach the subject about a free business class/webinar and he actually takes it on his day off.
He talks about his dream to anyone who will listen.
You like his dreams of retirement (sorry, I live in the moment, is not a respectable answer. Unless its the 1st date.)
He has a social media account dedicated to his new venture.
He’s in college now or has been before. (Community and Trade does count, but how is he using it)
He dreams of having a traditional family with marriage, kids and a successful life.
He’s actively climbing the ladder at work, or school.
It’s not hard to picture him in his dream job.
You ask open-ended questions as stated in the above paragraphs at 3, 6 and 9 month and compare them to his actions.

Hopefully, this helps more than Classism. And once you have the answers to all of the above throw it all away and lead with your heart because in the words of Oscar Wilde.

You don’t love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear. —Oscar Wilde

Trust me you don’t want to be stuck behind palace walls with the Grinch of Christmas future. You will quickly realize that the price is too high to pay. And I’m purposefully mixing those two references. Oh and ask that CEO out to dinner. Don’t make any assumptions about him that you wouldn’t want him to make about you. The only reason that guy couldn’t have his fairytale is because he never believed he could. And now he’ll never know.